Setting Limits with Warmth and Empathy
MYTH: Positive/Gentle Discipline = Permissive or Pushover Parenting
TRUTH: It is possible to set clear, firm limits with love, warmth and empathy.
Children need limits and boundaries to feel safe and thrive, and it's up to us to set them. Our limits will ultimately help teach our kids to set limits for themselves - also known as self-discipline.
Recognize and Empathize:
Remind yourself that your child is GOOD and that there’s almost always a greater need underneath a surfaced behavior.
Toddlers (and all humans really) just want to be seen, heard and understood.
Start with a strong connection so your toddler knows you're on their side and will be more inclined to cooperate.
Imagine life from their POV and only set the limits you really need to set. Saying "no" too often undermines your relationship.
How do you know when to set a limit?
Anything around SAFETY (both for the child, you and others)
Anything that has to do with core needs like sleep and food
Other than that choosing what limits are important in your family is a personal decision (i.e. some families are okay with jumping on the couch and some families are not!).
Limits and Big Feelings:
Limits often lead to big feelings. That’s okay and healthy! You can set and hold your limit AND allow the feelings and support them.
Clear/firm limits + empathy = a child who gets to experience their full reactions and come out the other side. (*This is not equivalent to giving in.)
With unsupported feelings, a child could be left feelings hopeless, depressed or over time like they're a bad person.
What this might sound like as it plays out…
“I’m not going to let you hit your sister.”
“I see that you’re upset. I know you’re having a hard time. I’m still not going to let you hit.”
“I’ll hold your hands to help you and I’ll stay right here with you.”
Your child might continue to be upset and might even cry and yell. You can stay with them and hold those feelings while still holding the boundary that they can’t use their hands to hit.
Most parents assume that harsh parenting produces better-behaved kids. However, research studies on discipline consistently show that strict, or authoritarian child-raising actually produces unhappy kids who feel bad about themselves and behave worse than other kids - and therefore get punished more! It’s a cycle that’s hard to break.
When limits are set clearly but also with empathy, the child learns that they cannot always get their way, but they get something better: someone who loves and accepts the full range of who they are.
For more info on this or if you have any questions, book a free 15 min consultation with us and learn more about our parent coaching services.