How to Hold Feelings Instead of Fixing Them
As parents, we are conditioned to want to fix whatever appears to be broken with our children. To swoop in and save the day. To put a quick bandaid on it and make it better. But what if we sat and listened to the hurt, acknowledged the feelings, and heard our children fully until they moved all the way through the pain? That’s where you’ll find the richest point of connection.
(Written November 2018)
"We relocated from Los Angeles to Atlanta 4 months ago and it was hardest on our 9 year old. She was devastated. She wanted to go “home” - where her friends were, where her house was, where she was comfortable and safe. I found myself wanting to take her sadness away. My instinct was to tell her that we made the right move for our family, that it would be better long-term, that she’d be happy soon. But when I took a moment to pause before jumping in I discovered that what she really needed was for me to simply sit there and be there with her and allow the hurt to flow. This gave her permission to release the suffering and not hold onto it. And it wasn’t a one-time release, it typically isn’t. But when we can remember to simply listen, empathize, hold the feelings, our babes are more able to let go and to trust that they’ll have a solid landing place. And what we’ll find on the other side is the stepping stones toward building a lifelong relationship based on safety and trust, connection and unconditional love.”
Next time your child is having a big upset - whether it’s over a fall, a hurtful comment from a friend, a limit you set that they’re not happy about:
Take a pause, take a breath. Meet them where they are.
Get on their level physically. Make eye contact.
Hold their hand or put an arm around them if they’re willing. Or stay close without physical touch if they need some space.
Just make sure they know you’re there and that you’re not going anywhere. Sometimes it’s best to say less and your mere company will do the trick, but if there’s space for words try language like “I see that you’re upset. I’m right here. I’m going to stay with you. It looks like this is really hard.”
Being seen and emotionally held might be enough to help them move through the moment faster. Or it might turn into a bigger cry. If you have the capacity, stay there with them and allow the feelings to flow.
Once you’ve made it to the other side, chances are your child will feel “lighter” and there may even be room for a conversation about what was upsetting them. Teachable moments can only happen once the storm passes.
This co-regulation dance will help your child learn self regulation over time. It also builds deep connection for the parent-child relationship. Connection helps the brain work best and leads to a lifetime of a trustworthy partnership for the two of you.
If you have questions about this approach in general or in specific instances with your child, make sure to utilize our free 15 minute call offering and learn more about our 1:1 parent coaching services!