Brain Development & Big Feelings (Part 2)
*If you haven’t yet read our Sept blog post please click here as it acts as Part 1 to this piece!
Adding another child to an already established family dynamic can be one of the most amazing and beautiful and also often complicated and challenging shifts for all involved. It’s one of the biggest transitions a family will make. We always need support in our parenting but particularly during this time.
In preparation for this new arrival, here are some things you can do to make things as seamless as possible… (if your new addition is already here you can skip this part and head to the next section)
Read stories or even watch videos of births and babies coming into the world. Normalizing what birth might look/sound like takes some of the guesswork out of what might be happening for Mama. This is particularly helpful if you plan to have your older child in attendance at the birth (typically only in home births).
Talk to your older child about the baby coming. Everyone absorbs the info differently - some through pretend play (use stuffed animals or dolls and roll play), create an empathy book walking them through what will likely happen i.e. mommy leaving for the hospital, being there for a couple days, the baby coming home.
Share about their own birth! Create a book of what that time was like with them as a baby in your belly and coming into the world and what those early days were like! Our little ones love hearing about themselves!
Get the older child involved! Let them pick out furniture or crib sheets or blankets, etc. Give them a sense of power in an otherwise powerless situation! It’s helpful for them to feel like they’re important in this process. This can ideally lead to less jealousy.
Have older child pick out a gift for the baby and have the baby give a gift to big sibling.
Involve them in packing your hospital or birth center bag and include a pic of them (and make sure they see that!).
If any big changes/transitions are on the horizon do it before the baby gets here or wait for a while after. We don’t want them to associate potty training, big kid bed change, etc. with the new baby.
Help cultivate the bond between big sibling and partner NOW (if it’s not already there)! See if your partner is willing to learn about and practice Special Time. This will be very helpful once baby is here.
When you arrive from the hospital have your partner hold the baby and you express huge joy in reuniting with your older child! Make it all about them for that moment. Then move to the couch for the introduction and let them feel a sense of responsibility…holding head up, showing baby favorite things, etc.
Let others do as much as possible for the baby. Focus lots on the older child. You and baby will bond and have your time! Mommy Guilt may be at an all-time high! We almost immediately start comparing the new baby to what it was like with older baby. It’s okay. Be kind to yourself. Their experiences will be different and that’s okay!
Once the new babe is here and you begin settling into life as an expanded family, there might be a lot of feelings! Yours and theirs. Allow for it all!
*Use PLAY in response to some of the big feelings and to help stay connected.
Play helps in allowing children (and us) to release feelings, fear and frustration through laughter.
“He’s mine!” - you can use this proactively or in a moment when it seems needed. Parents can playfully fight over the older child! The child in the middle feels so loved and wanted! Chances are the child is wondering if they are still as loved and might be feeling left out. This is a fun, playful way to deal with that.
If older child expresses they want to do something to baby (like throw them out in the trash or out the window or ‘send them back’) instead of responding with “oh no that’s not an okay thing to say…”, get playful with it. “Let’s throw the baby away…and daddy and the dog…” Get silly! Play is the language of young children! It might feel counterintuitive but will be so productive in moving through those harder moments.
Let your older child ‘always be your baby’. Scoop them up and treat them like a little itty baby and be totally delighted in them as if they too just arrived! (My kids still love this!)
*Carve out SPECIAL TIME (if you’re new to ST, see our March blog post) even if only for 5 minutes daily. Often if in the morning, you set the child up for success for the day - fill their connection up.
You can plan it in advance or if you see your child is starting to get off track you can jump in and say “okay let’s do 10 min of special time”.
Start now pre-baby so they’re used to it. They will feel closer and connected and this could lead to more resiliency once the baby is here.
Consider devoting 1 baby nap a day to older child.
*LISTEN to the big feelings, don’t try to fix them.
Allow for all the feelings. Even when it feels like something insignificant (like them crying cause they wanted the red plate not the blue plate - hint: it’s never actually about the plate!).
Asking a child to “use their words” in a moment when they’re flooded with feelings is not helpful. Let the feelings flow. Process later.
Even if it feels like they’re rejecting us (telling us to go away, pushing us away, saying hurtful things…they don’t mean it), stay with it, know they deeply need our love in that moment.
Know that on the other side of the release is a child who is more content or lighter or sleepy!
This can be a really challenging AND beautiful time. Both things can be true simultaneously! Be gentle with yourself. If you need a break, make sure you find a way to get it. Find a listening partner, someone who can be present and hear you without judgement and with unconditional love. You need to release and feel supported as well! So much of all that comes with this transition is inevitable. Your family will continue to love and grow and change. Embrace each other and it all!