Brain Development 101 (and how it relates “big feelings”)
Did you know that we’re all born “good”?! It’s true!
Your child is GOOD too. Like, all the time! Even when you might not think so. They hit a kid today at school? Still good! They slammed a door in your face? Still good. They threw their dinner on the floor? Still good! They actually inherently know how to think well and cooperate. When they are not acting in that way, let that be a signal to you that they’re feeling disconnected in some way and that this is their way of asking for help.
Not long ago while prepping to speak to a group of parents expecting second babies, I polled my Instagram community to get a feel for what second time parents think is the most important advice to share with others. It was almost unanimous that a lot of the focus should be placed on the older child and their needs. This echoed my own sentiments, from both personal experience as a mama of two and also in my professional experience working with expanding families as a parenting coach. Of course newborns have SO many needs, but those big siblings need lots of our attention and connection during this time of transition and beyond.
In fact, it was adding a second child to our family mix that brought me to this work 11 years ago! My husband, our toddler daughter and I had a real good thing going. In fact, it took me several months after my son arrived to realize that things weren’t still super groovy. You see, my daughter, 3 years old at the time, was always pretty independent and didn’t seem to be outwardly affected by the arrival of her baby brother. She didn’t pay all that much attention to him and while that may have been slightly disappointing at the time, I was thrilled that the epic change seemed to be working just fine for her. Until one day when I had a bit of a rude awakening!
I was nursing baby Bodhi on the couch, and as far as I could tell, Eden was happily playing on her own where I could still see her. Suddenly, she stood up, looked at me, and without saying a word her 3-year-old fully potty trained self proceeded to pee in the middle of our living room floor. I knew in that moment (and from a few more that would follow) that things were not quite as seamless as I thought they were. This was my real introduction into the world of connection parenting and what it looks like when a child feels disconnected.
I would come to learn that while a child can be receiving plenty of love and attention, and seem like all their needs are being met, they can still feel disconnected. Luckily, there are several concrete tools we can use daily to make sure our children feel connected. Connection is a core need that we have as humans. It is right up there with food, water, and sleep. Connection helps the thinking part of the brain work well.
Before we get into tips and tricks of staying connected while parenting 2+ kids (come back next month for Part 2!), let’s take a quick look into what’s happening in your kiddo’s brain. I personally think that anyone planning to raise a child should have to take a crash course in brain development!
When a child feels connected, the limbic system (social/emotional hub of the brain) senses a feeling of safety from their parents. All is well in their world. Someone is there that will love and protect them. When that is all in line, the limbic system gives a signal to the rest of the brain - like the prefrontal cortex (responsible for thinking/reasoning) so that everything can function well. When all is working well the child can think well and cooperate. However, it’s inevitable that it won’t always work that way. There’s no way to give our child full attention all the time!
Little things happen all day everyday that lead to small moments of disconnection, and these small moments can pile up: we answer a phone call, we pay attention to the baby, cook a meal, or something bigger like illness or separation. The limbic system floods with emotion which feels like an emotional emergency in the child’s brain and doesn’t allow it to send the proper signals to other parts of the brain like the prefrontal cortex which shuts down and can’t think well. It can happen quickly from one moment to the next.
Do you ever have moments where your child does some thing that seems totally absurd and you might say to yourself (or maybe even out loud) “what are you thinking?!” Well, chances are they are not! When the limbic system is flooded with emotion, we literally can’t think clearly. In fact, it’s even possible for vision to get blurry and hearing to get distorted.
We don’t always know where/when the hurt comes from. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others. Sometimes a moment triggers an ‘old hurt’. The behaviors and signals are sometimes misunderstood and hard to deal with (they often seem like big reactions to small things to us i.e. aggressive behavior, falling on the floor kicking and screaming “over nothing”. Take heed, it’s always about something!
Disconnection is inevitable. But we can respond in ways to repair the connection as opposed to adding to the disconnection. Focus on filling your child’s connection cup. They don’t need to be punished for this offtrack behavior, they’re already having a hard time and that only leads to more disconnection and more unreasonable behavior. It’s a vicious cycle and can be hard to break.
Instead try this!
Come in with connection, with warmth, with closeness. Slowly they’re able to shed the emotional upset and have a release, and the brain will do its thing to get back on track. And our child will go back to acting in a more ‘reasonable’ way!
By the way, it also takes lotsa patience (and sometimes venting to a friend, screaming into a pillow, and/or taking a moment to walk away and breathe) to parent this way. You are good too, parents! Make sure you get some support for yourselves as you accompany your little ones through life in such a conscious, beautiful way. This work ain’t easy!
To be continued...