Navigating the Holidays (and Big Family Gatherings) as a Connected Parent
The holidays are upon us! Tis the season for festive spirit, big family gatherings, huge amounts of both joy and challenges. Balancing the excitement that this time of year can bring with the need to stay mindful in our parenting can be done but often is accompanied by big feelings.
Here are 8 tools you can turn to to help make your way through the next couple months:
Set Realistic Expectations: Acknowledge that the holiday season can be overwhelming for both grown ups and our kiddos, and set realistic expectations for yourself and your family. Try turning your focus to togetherness vs. perfection.
Presence is more important than Presents: During large family gatherings, it’s easy for disconnection to happen. It sounds contradictory cause so many of us think of this time of year as one of meaningful connection. But often, while we’re focusing on elaborate meals, multigenerational traditions, reuniting with family, keeping the magic alive in the Hanukkah candle lighting or Santa coming to town, we actually stray from staying connected to our babes. Put down your electronic devices, make eye contact and be sure to actively listen to your child’s thoughts and support their feelings.
Co-Create Traditions: Many of us have certain holiday traditions we love. Find ways to start incorporating your kids into those, even from a very young age. Whether it’s getting the menorahs ready, baking holiday cookies, decorating the tree, engaging in acts of service, they love a job and notice when you involve them. It gives them a sense of belonging and responsibility!
Make Time for Connection Rituals: If you already have certain day-to-day rituals and routines (things like regular bedtime routine, a simple daily check in, a dinner-time share of highs/lows of the day ), allow them to still find their way into the holiday hustle. This will give everyone an extra sense of stability and safety in a sometimes chaotic time.
Load up on Special Time before big Gatherings: If you’re new here go back to blog post on Special time (link here). It’ll be your best friend before entering into these sometimes overstimulating environments. Fill those connection cups up! It leads to more cooperation and usually a better time for all!
Make your Child’s Safety and Autonomy a Priority: It’s so important that we model body autonomy from the start and always respect our children’s wishes when it comes to that. So if they don’t want to hug everyone hello and goodbye, I highly recommend you support them in that. Sometimes they say “no” or “no thanks” all on their own, but sometimes they may need us to advocate for them. You can try “Hi (insert distant cousin’s name you haven’t seen in forever that your child probably doesn’t even remember and is coming in strong for a hug…!)! Benji, wanna give her a hug or a high 5 (or fist bump or say “hi”)?” Those are all great ways of showing kindness and respect without touching if they’re feeling uncomfortable about that.
Be Confident in your Parenting Choices: It’s possible that you’re choosing to parent in different ways than you were perhaps parented. Sometimes that means we are met with judgement or criticism at big family gatherings for things like listening to our child’s big feelings and not shutting them down immediately. Be proud and confident of the choices you’re consciously making. You don’t need to lean into anyone else’s worry or disapproval. If you’re met with a hard moment with your little one, consider moving into a quiet, private space to move through it.
Get some Listening Time in for YOU: Remember that whatever you’re carrying along in your own ‘emotional backpack’ this season can typically be felt in some way by your children. See what you can offload beforehand (to a friend, family member, therapist) so you can free yourself up emotionally to be there for your babes and create new memories.
Consider reevaluating how you spend the holidays. Do you gather with everyone at your in-laws’ house year after year cause that’s the right thing to do? Or do you absolutely love it? Stick to the things you love and those that work for you and the new family you’ve created. And if certain scenarios stress your family out, maybe make a different choice next year! You can always go back. We’ve done everything from annual trips ‘home for the holidays’ to be with the big extended fam, to a cozy year with just our immediate fam in our house, to getting out of the country for a beach resort vacay! You get to write your story.
Incorporating these 8 tools into your holiday season can ensure the festivities are filled with meaningful moments of connection, understanding and joy for both you and your little ones. The essence of these times is the love and togetherness you share with your family.
Happy Holidays friends!
