“Mine!” - The Journey to Sharing and Taking Turns

The definition of “sharing” is something that’s freely offered, freely given. Yet, parents often spend a lot of time trying to MAKE their child share. This is likely because many parents find it hard to imagine that their kids are going to be able to learn to share without being prodded into it. They may find it hard to believe that their child will become a sharing, empathic person while grabbing, hitting, screaming at anyone who approaches their things!

Have you ever watched in horror as your kid holds tight to a toy while screaming “MINE!”?! Did you know that in order to share what’s yours, you have to understand that it’s yours to begin with?! For mosts toddlers that exploration begin around 10-14 months old. They hear it being said around them (family members saying “that’s mommy’s bag”, “you’re jumping on my bed”, “that’s my toothbrush, this is yours”). They begin to realize that “my” or “mine” are powerful words, but they don’t totally get how to use them appropriately just yet, so they begin to explore.

At this time, toddlers begin to define themselves in terms of their possessions: “my arm”, “my truck”, “here I am” (or 3rd person: “Taryn’s nose”, “Taryn’s bear”, etc.).

Did you know that we’re born as natural sharers? Perhaps when your little one was around 8 months old they started passing objects back and forth with other babies or with you. You may have thought “aw, amazing, I have a great sharer” when really this is them discovering the concept of “cause and effect” (not on the more complex principle of empathy which happens later).

Then during toddlerhood they spend more time grabbing or holding onto toys than they do passing them along to others. Some will continue to “share” more than others but it’s not predictable or dependable. That happens closer to 3-4 years old when sharing becomes easier and more consistent. 

Toddlers think anything that they’re touching or holding is THEIRS. They feel that if another child plays with their toy then it’s gone, it will disappear! 

For the first couple years of life, children don’t have a concept of time. Everything exists in the present moment for them. So, the idea of “you’ll get this back later” doesn’t mean much.

In the 2nd/3rd year of life they begin to experience time on a continuum. You’ll hear things like “yesterday we went to the zoo”, “tomorrow we are going to go swimming”, “after my nap, I want a snack”. 

Developing empathy is critical to sharing. And in order to develop empathy, a child must have an awareness of feelings and be able to see themselves as separate from other people. You can help them with their development of this by talking about your own feelings, their feelings and others around them: “oh, Lucas is stomping his feet and screaming…he looks really mad” or “Claire is crying, she’s really sad that it’s time to leave the park.”

The concept of “taking turns” tends to be more toddler-friendly than that of “sharing”. However, even this is challenging and needs a lot of grownup support. Sometimes this is extra hard at playdates cause the mamas often wanna hang (understandably so!), but for a while, our kiddos need our supervision and guidance as they manage sharing space and toys. 

While playdates are amazing in so many ways as they help toddlers develop social skills and allow grownups to connect with each other, they can actually be overstimulating for the littles. Also, a lot of grownups have different ideas about how to handle sharing. Many, with the best of intentions, try to teach sharing by forcing their child to hand over a toy they’re playing with. “Rosie! SHAAARE!” - as they’re prodding the toy out of their hand to pass it to the other kid in waiting. But in a world where our kids learn most by what we model for them, all that models is taking away! It actually ends up making them more possessive over what they’re playing with since they don’t know when it will be snatched out of their hands! It can also trigger hitting and grabbing.

Instead, allow the child with the toy to play with it until they’re done and help the other child who’s sitting by wanting a turn to wait, and support any feelings they might be having. “I know, sweetie, you really want a turn with the truck but right now Rosie is playing with it. That’s hard. I’ll sit here with you and play with something else until Rosie is ready to give you a turn.” Typically, if the child with the toy is given that control, they tend to give it up sooner and ultimately become more generous!  If you’re reading this, you might consider discussing with some parent-friends and making this a ‘playdate rule’ so everyone can be aligned and your little ones can be best supported as they learn the important lifelong skills of taking turns and sharing.

Trust that in time, sharing will happen! With age, support, empathy and good modeling, it simply will! 

Some of this might be different or even contradictory to how you’re currently doing things or what we’re conditioned to know and teach about sharing. We’d love to hear what you think. If you have questions about this or any other connection or conscious parenting concepts and tools, book a 15 minute discovery call here to learn more about our coaching services.