What it Means to Be an Unconditional Parent (and a birthday love note to my beautiful mother)
Do you hope to have a strong, positive relationship with your kid(s) long term? Do you think about what that might look like in 5, 10, 20 years and hope you’re always close and they feel safe and loved within your bond? Well, look no further, Unconditional Parenting is about to be your best friend!
What is Unconditional Parenting?
Unconditional parenting is a philosophy that emphasizes showing love, acceptance, and support to children regardless of their behavior or achievements. It encourages us as parents to focus on the child’s emotional needs rather than using rewards or punishments to control behavior.
Key Concepts:
Love without Conditions: Children should feel loved for who they are, not for what they do. This means avoiding the use of rewards, excessive praise, or punishments as tools for controlling behavior.
Focus on Long-term Development: Instead of aiming for immediate obedience, unconditional parenting emphasizes nurturing a child’s intrinsic motivation and helping them develop into empathetic, responsible individuals.
Understanding the Child’s Perspective: Understanding that behavior is simply communication and taking the time to understand what’s driving your child’s behavior can lead to more compassionate and effective parenting responses.
What does Unconditional Parenting look like in real time:
Be Consistently Supportive: Even when your child makes mistakes, respond with understanding and patience. Let them know that your love isn’t contingent on their behavior.
Foster Open Communication: Encourage your child to express their feelings, and listen without judgment. Validate their emotions! Help them navigate tough situations.
Set Limits and Boundaries with Empathy: Boundaries are important, but they should be set with compassion. Explain the reasons behind the rules and involve your child in problem-solving when conflicts arise.
Avoid Bribing or Punishing: Instead of using rewards or punishments to shape behavior, focus on teaching your child the values and reasons behind good behavior. Encourage them to make positive choices because they understand why it’s important, not because they fear consequences.
Model the Behavior You Want to See: Did you know that our kiddos learn most from watching us? Demonstrate the kindness, empathy, and patience you want your child to develop.
One of my greatest life blessings is that I had/have unconditionally loving and supportive parents. (See January 2024 blog post to learn about my dad and how he parented, cause this one’s for my mama, my Queen!)
I wanted to be a mom my whole life cause of how my mom mothered. Cause of how she listened, truly listened, and supported and loved unconditionally. I knew for as long as I can remember that what she was offering by simply BEING was a gift and that I wanted to pass that along one day. I wanted to be like her - with her warmth and sunshine and glam and heart. With her deep appreciation for where she came from while also knowing exactly where she was going. And while I followed in her footsteps in so many ways (she worked with parents and children too when I was growing up!), there was always an abundance of acceptance and guidance and sometimes even admiration when I strayed from the path, when I created my own. She saw me for ME, always lifted me up and still does. I am absolutely so much of who I am because she let me be and because of the example she set.
To this day I have a deep, strong connection and relationship with my mom. At an age and phase of life where many are trying to make different choices as parents and humans than the ones that were modeled for them, I continuously find myself reflecting on how mine did so much that was good and right and something that I’d want for myself and my family. I know that this is rare and a true gift, and it’s something I don’t take lightly, value immensely and have a strong desire and commitment to pass along.
Unconditional parenting isn’t about being permissive or spoiling your child. It’s about nurturing their emotional development and helping them grow into secure, confident individuals who know they are loved for who they are, not just what they do. Unconditional parenting lays a strong foundation for a trusting and loving lifelong parent-child relationship.
Interested in learning more? Check out one of our favorite books Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn. Or book a free 15 min discovery call with Taryn to learn about our 1:1 parent coaching services.