My Intro to Motherhood (and how it unexpectedly and positively changed me)
(PPD trigger warning)
This is me 10 days postpartum with my first baby, nearly 15 years ago. Of all the photos I have from the early days and months with my daughter, this is the one that sends me straight to the depth of the moment. The smell, the sounds, and...all the feels. ALL. OF. THEM.
I can remember the joy and bliss and ecstasy of experiencing the natural birth I hoped and planned for, holding my lil dream, my Eden, in my arms for the first time. Finally: Mama. Something I’d longed for my whole life. And how it - within days - turned into pain, perpetual tears accompanied by “I’m okay, I’m so happy, I think I’m just really tired”, a hungry seemingly ferocious lil mouth at my nipple ready to drink the liquid gold I felt so proud and excited to give her - with a terrible latch. Bleeding outside and in. Staying in bed while my husband and mom took care of the house and me as per my midwife’s instructions. “All you need to do is heal your body and bond with and feed your baby.” Sounded dreamy. But it wasn’t.
My only job was to feed my baby. But every feeding was miserable. Every 2 hours. I dreaded it. And how could I feel that way? I was made to do this. It should come naturally. Right? I couldn’t wait for a healthy breastfeeding relationship with my babe. I had incredible role models - a mom who nursed me and my sister for years, an aunt who did the same with her boys and was a Lactation Consultant and Doula. I could’ve never imagined it’d end up looking like this.
Undiagnosed Postpartum Depression. It’d take me years to realize, process, unpack, and accept this. Now simply part of my story. Part of my purpose.
5 weeks Postpartum, after 4 Lactation Consultants, Eden and I found a groove and started to heal and thrive in our breastfeeding relationship for 2 years. That’s not the case for everyone. And I have so much compassion for the mamas who experienced any sort of grief or disappointment or loss Postpartum but felt guilty about it cause they say all that matters is that you “had a healthy baby”.
That shift made all the difference for me. It allowed me to come into my confidence as Eden’s mom. To step into that power and begin to trust myself in this new role. I thought I had it made. How much there was to learn (and there shears will be!). I didn’t know it at the time but that was almost like an initiation to the waves that exist within each phase of parenting, the ebbs and flows. What a dance!
Though I still look at this picture and feel the darkness, I am now able to think of those early weeks with gratitude. It brought me here. It was responsible for much of my growth as a woman and new mother. It called me to support other mamas and to set off on a new career path as Doula, Childbirth/Postpartum and Parenting Educator and Coach. Important, fulfilling, life-changing work. It was essentially what paved the way for Here We Grow.
Mama, you are beautiful and strong and so loved and seen. Whether it looks squeaky clean or totally messy and chaotic (or a little of both)...you simply rock. If you’re newly postpartum or a decade in, it’s a journey!
Ask for support. Call upon your mama-tribe, your sisters. It’s okay to need help. We’re not meant to do this alone. “It takes a village...” But...like…(in the words of my 11 year old) for real, for real;-)